I am feeling a bit lonely, and frankly I was at my wits end last week without help in my house and for my child. I have become quite spoiled and I have realized I can not take care of my child fully alone. Since this time I have had a very well needed vacation that has regenerated my batteries, and when the shrink showed up, things were better than status quo. The feelings that I desperately need my husbands support have dwindled and my ability to hang on has strengthened. I still have a bad feeling that something is going to happen to me, but I guess that is just “memorial” jitters. You see this week is the week that my cancer returned with a vengeance. It took us until Christmas that same year to figure it out, because I was pregnant I assumed many of the symptoms were related to pregnancy.
Migraine headaches for starters as I recall.
So a good let it all out sobbing session was in order to clear my mind of my paranoid, nervous thinking. What it I fall and I have no help around me. What if I pass out while shopping with my little girl? So yesterday I was grateful to have not one but 2 helpers in my house. One to start and one to train. I still have to call back more babysitters, because my husband and I have made a plan to go out one night a week to feel more partnership and time to just talk. That was the result of our meeting with the shrink. The other result is to explain better to my doctor about my lack of patience and my anxiousness. The not good enough meter or the knee jerk do something reactions are increasing as my stamina begins to fall apart. I am hoping that the Doctor will understand my will to live is on an internal timer that ticks away at me every day and to just sit around a watch while my blood tumor markers starts to rise, makes me a slight bit ballistic / crazy. I am a person of actions, much more than words. And when the doctor sees the result and casually says: now: the tumor is unrest. I personally have a hard time coping. Not only with the results but the nonchalant attitude. The dutch have a saying: Kat uit de boom kijken= watching the cat in the tree. the meaning is we will watch to see if the solution IE the cat, can rectify itself. Thus let’s wait to see if the cat can climb down itself. I personally am feeling like that terrified cat, everyone is watching but no one is doing anything. And if I were the cat I would be meowing “Do Something” Anything!
But I sit and I wait. I wait for a new appointment, a new scan, a new chance to speak to my shrink. etc. etc.
vulnerability meter 8.5