Too close to it all-death

I Thought it was going to be a special day because I was going to get epo=eprex. The appointment was set between 9-noon. No sleeping in today, but  that was not what made it special.

My love of My life’s Mother has passed away. Not suddenly either, with great amounts of pain and suffering.  Some say it is a blessing, but I am not sure.

You see, I have been on the same morphine pills that were being administered to my mother in law.  I was determined to kick the habit of morphine and figure out alternatives of pain management.

But when you are 83 you give up a lot quicker, in my humble opinion.

I myself have been in and out of painful situations of the course of my cancer.  I don’t point fingers or set blame if someone says “enough is enough, end it now. I always think it is customized to each individual and each circumstance.

I talked to lovebug who is about to turn 4 this month, and she said it is normal to be dead. I prodded a bit to close to it all, and I swallowed hard and asked if I was dead would you be sad?

She replied yes, and she said she would dig me up. I reeled and said you can’t do that. Then she said that her Papa would throw her really high in the air so that I could see both grandfathers, grandmother and eventually me.

I was needed professional help at that moment, but wouldn’t you know the shrink never picks up the phone when you need it most.

I just tried to explain that once your heart stops beating the you are dead. So she laid  her tiny head on my heart and told me I was still okay for now.

I had to giggle at the her but the death of my mother in law is making me think too much about my own death–I’m just too close to it all– this thing we call death